It’s not as difficult as you might think to become an Internet superstar. The Web is engineered precisely to facilitate such phenomena as FaceBook, YouTube and the ‘Evolution of Dance’ dude. In this simple how-to guide, I’ll show you how it’s done. The key is to be everywhere and do everything. In a networked world, the one with the most nodes wins!
Remember Neo, in the Matrix? Remember how he/you felt when he/you realised he/you were the one? “That’s right”, grinned Morpheus. This is your ‘I know Kung Fu’ moment. You are the Internet, and the Internet is you. Your DNA is the meme. You’re unique, just like everybody else.
Have Geek Will Travel
You will need your own personal nerd. The Web, for all its point-and-click convenience, is a ridiculously complex environment. He/she will configure your server cloud, sync your mobile devices with your laptop and ensure your Websites are cross-browser compatible, fluid, elastic and WC3 compliant.
Rule-of-thumb: If it was reviewed on Wired, TechCrunch or EnGadget, buy it. Essentials include an HD video camera, podcasting microphone, iPhone, digital pen, electric car, pocket laser projector, Adobe Everything and a DJ console, so you can guest DJ at all your own launches and seminars.
The best way to permeate cyberspace is by infecting it. I don’t care whether you wipe out on a skateboard or David Hassel-scoff a hamburger, what’s important is that the video is a calculated strategic element in your self-replicating pandemic.
Blog long. Blog often. With 112 million blogs, you do have to work hard. Strategy is everything. Post comments on the top 100 blogs with witty retorts and demoralising put-downs, always linking back to your own Blog. Fear not, once the momentum of all your other activities kicks in, your archived ramblings will re-surface like the creature from the black lagoon.
Two mantras: 1. “Add Me” 2. “Thanks for the Add”. Set targets – say 5,000 per day, per site. Here is your starting point: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_social_networking_websites. Nurture every friendship, acknowledge everyone’s feelings and compliment their every photo upload. This is your fan-base. You are a one of their's. It’s a 200-million-way street. Drive it.
You are now an Internet marketing genius. It’s time to share your knowledge. www.squidoo.com makes it easy to build a soapbox and begin proselytising. When you have posted enough material, go to www.lulu.com and self-publish your how-to book.
Upload your entire life to the Internet – and tag everything. Quantity, not quality. If you upload enough old photos, school reports, love letters and phone disconnection notices, you will come up on page one in Google for everything.
We live in a paradoxical universe. Ubiquity is singularity. If you are everywhere, you will be in one place – at the top! ‘X’ marks the spot and you have the X-factor. ‘Me, Star Wars Kid’, you ‘FailWhale’. See you at the end – and on the cover – of 'Time'.